liberté.....Freiheit....Azaadi...Freedom!!

Whats freedom? People say many things , you know , like umm .... say ... for example , a guy said - roaming with my girlfriend in front of my parents is freedom. Some say , independence is freedom. Some say , doing whatever i like is freedom. And there are many others who tell , breaking the rules is freedom.

Well lets see it in a broader aspect , umm ... like freedom of India. What was freedom for Mahatma Gandhi? What was freedom for Jawahar Lal Nehru ? What was freedom for the kinds of Bhagat Singh , Azaad , Subhash Chandra Bose? It was freeing India from the British. What was freedom for Nelson Mandela? Removing the ******@$%^&^ shit called APARTHEID. What was freedom for Martin Luther ? Giving blacks the equal rights as the whites. What was freedom for John Lennon , Jimmi Hendrix , Michael Jackson and many more? Singing to the world , playing their guitar in a really fine bass and showing the world what dance is etc etc.

Now lets be a bit selfish. What freedom to you ?? What freedom to me?? For me freedom is being what i really am. Probably i have lost myself , but still with my freedom , i can rediscover the real me. For me freedom is being happy , which if taken away , is the worlds most biggest sin , who ever it maybe .... has no right to steal my freedom , neither my friends , nor my family , nor my elders ... not even god.

So freedom is some what complicated in certain sense. A sensitive topic. So tell me guys ..... whats freedom to you. It'll be my pleasure to see what you guys think what YOUR freedom is.!!

Why???

Sometimes in life , i feel like crying so hard that all my sorrows , go away from me through my tears. But unfortunately , they stay inside , tears don't come out and i suffer inside. I try even harder to cry , the tear come to my eye but doesn't roll down. I don't know why!

I don't know what i want to do . All i know i just want to be happy. Someone once asked me what you want to do in your future. I told her , i just want to be happy. She smiled and went away thinking what a jerk i was. But i still felt proud that i listened to my heart. I don't know why?

My friends don't understand me , neither my problems. Instead they think i am strong from the inside like there's an incredible hulk inside me, but no , i get weak day by day , minute by minute. The problem is i advice my friends , i always try to keep them happy , they depend on me but to whom should i tell everything to? My friends make fun of my problems , they make my personal life public. I know when my friends are upset or if something is wrong.They do care for me but they don't , they never realize that how lonely i feel from inside. They can't make out whether i am disturbed by something. Sometimes , in the crowd of thousands, i feel lonely. Standing there with a frown inside , some expression outside. I don't know why!

My family supports me. Never ever put any pressure on me , but my problems are so sensitive , that i can't share it with them. They say i must study hard. I do , but still , i fail . I study harder but yet again, i simply rise to fall again. But i keep on trying. I don't know why!

Sometimes i ask myself -"dude!! what your problem???" but i realize that i don't actually know my problem.
I just simply can't express it. Probably i fear something unknown. I don't know why!

Day after day i look at myself at the mirror and ask - " Dude who are you?? Are you that Akki that you were before?? Childish , naughty ,evergreen, full of life , loving , caring , tension free , mast , bindass???" But the answer comes - " No dude! You are not the same guy. You are someone else in his body. You have lost yourself. " And i feel , yes , it's true. I have lost myself , somewhere far , somewhere in the corner of the infinite ,  all my words , lost in the echo. And again , I don't know why!

Is it my problem that i don't share my problems or is it so because no one understands? No one has really understood me n i guess no one will ever. But i still feel i will find someone who will truly understand me. I don't know why!

But i don't lose. I keep working hard for a better future where i'll be away from these thoughts. I may be weak from inside , but still strong enough to give a fight back. Whenever i get these thoughts i say to myself - " Hey Akki , look , there are people around the world who die with cancer ,there are children who are orphan ,there are women who are widows ,there are people who die from hunger and thirst ,there are  people who have lost there everything , there are people who don't have legs , hands , kidneys, eyes etc. What your problem in front of theirs?  If they are strong enough to survive with that , smile with that , why can't you? Is your problem that big?" And then i smile at myself , encouraging myself telling that -"dude , you are the strongest guy" , and then dreaming again for a happy future. Hope is the thing which i believe in a lot.

Finally i say that life may give you a hundred reasons to cry , but you must show life a thousand reasons to smile!! So keep hoping.